I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
