Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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