I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
