On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
