my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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