dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
