In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sorry my hands just texted you
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
