I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
