The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
