Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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