The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also, beer. Big fan.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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