yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
