i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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