Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
