FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
