You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
