Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
