No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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