my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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