I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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