the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
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Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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