i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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