There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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