Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
