after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
