i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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