WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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