I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
