Its about making memories worth repressing
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
