remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
