The maid of honor just puked.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
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You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize