i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
