Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
