We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
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We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
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You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize