My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
