i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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