I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
