Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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