could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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