She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
