I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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