I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
