I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Randomize
