my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
