I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
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Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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