Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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