Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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