You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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