Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
