Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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