Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
whose parrot is this?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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