I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
