Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
