I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
