OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
