I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
